Decoding Desire
A few weeks ago, my pals and I had a spooky movie itch that needed scratching. So we decided to watch Don't Worry Darling.
After a long day of cleaning + cooking, Florence Pugh welcomes her husband home (looking immaculate) to a feast that rivals an ornate holiday spread. She walks him to the dining table covered in candles, sauces, a roast and.... they immediately push it off the table and begin to have sex. Like, all of it. Candles included.
Forget the 1950s cult they probablydefinitely are in, the mysteriously missing people, the gaslighting from other characters, this was the moment in the film that had me go, "What?!"
But then I shouldn't be surprised. Hollywood has forever adored the spontaneous, table-clearing kind of desire. The undress-as-you-enter-the-room, stumble-over-the-furniture, make-out-in-your-boss's-office-at-the-holiday-party, sort of desire.
And outside of movie magic, that absolutely happens. BUT that's only one way desire shows up, among many!
Make it stand out
Desire can appear in so many ways!
It happens uniquely for each of us! Some of us never experience sexual desire. Some of us experience it only with people we've developed emotional connections to. Some of us experience it in varying intensities, styles, and frequencies! We might experience many different styles of desire throughout life. No one way is better than another. They just are.
Today, we're chatting through Spontaneous and Responsive Desire (and their constant companion... Context!).
Spontaneous Desire: First comes mental desire, then arousal. With very little external stimuli, these folks experience desire. Think of going about your day and suddenly mentally noticing, "You know, I'm really in the mood to go dancing!"
Responsive Desire: First comes arousal, then mental desire. It takes some exposure to stimuli that brains associate with sex for these folks to feel desire. Think of agreeing to go dancing with your friends and then the night comes. You start to play your "getting ready" playlist, put on makeup and a killer dancing outfit, your pals come over and start singing along to the playlist as you get ready, and slowly you find yourself getting really excited at the idea of dancing!
When it comes to sex, Responsive Desire folks might benefit from one of my favorite things... Setting the Scene!
Have songs that make you feel playful and sexy? Push play!
Mood lighting that you only break out when you're feeling erotic? Light that candle, baby!
Are you a sexpert at sexting? Get the slow burn going with some (consensual) flirty texts throughout the day!
Want some physical touch? Try some sensual activities that help build desire, such as massages, snuggles, or a bubble bath!
Way to your desire is through emotional connection? Boost meaningful conversation at date night with some conversation cards! (Esther Perel's are awesome #sponsormeEsther).
As you think through these reflection questions, let's welcome context into the conversation! Context is the piece of things that might require you tie up life's loose ends before you can be fully present. If you're stressed + staring at a pile of laundry that's been looming in your basket for weeks and a sweetie starts kissing your neck, the kisses might feel good (mmm, sexy things!) but the context (stress! chores! life!) isn't a sexy one.
We can't take all of our stressors away. Life is complicated and some will always be there. But! By giving ourselves permission to address the few in our control, we are giving ourselves the gift of more space for pleasure. And you deserve to feel good!
What do you need in order to build desire? I can't wait for you to find out!
