To schedule intimacy or not?
Are you team intentional or team organic?
When I was in a year-long volunteer program, 7 of us lived together in an intentional community. We shared meals, a car, had community nights, and spent most of our non-work hours together. And... we were a house divided.
Some of us were planners. "Let's be intentional about how we spend our time!"
Some of us were not. "Stop forcing things! Let it be organic!"
Much like the infamous "Love: a feeling or action?" debate of 2014 (story for another blog post), the truth is that we need both. Yes, even when it comes to sex and intimacy!
Here’s the thing. In intimacy, as in life, binaries are rarely the answer. When we open ourselves to curiosity about what actually serves us in our relationships, suddenly we’re collaborating on a sex life that serves the people you are, not who you think you should be.
Because, let’s name it. Many people fear that scheduling sex is a failure. They've spent years of life watching characters in movies come into the scene and start ripping each other's clothes off-- in the kitchen, in the copy room at work, in an abandoned teachers lounge. Sex... it's supposed to be spontaneous!
Or is it?
Research shows that many people actually experience desire and arousal more responsively (more on this in next week's newsletter). Meaning, that we need a bit more stimulus to get us feeling frisky. As a founding member of team organic (and reluctant convert to team intentional), I shudder to tell you that...
Scheduling intimacy can actually support the slow burn to sexual arousal!
Remember the last time you were looking forward to a trip? The date in your calendar crept closer and closer and the anticipation built!
You and your sweetie(s) can build play into that anticipation-- maybe you send some texts throughout the day with a hint or two about what you might wear (or not), leave little notes around for each other to find, or even make a jar with fun erotic activities inside that you can choose from.
Maybe the idea of scheduling sex is a big, "oh god-- so awkward!" moment for you. That's okay!
Perhaps scheduling time for fun in your life or unproductive, no-goals-oriented intimacy would be a helpful tool. Sometimes saying, “I want to have sex with you this Friday” turns on unwanted pressure. When Friday comes, maybe you’re stressed, having a bad body image day, or are just exhausted from the week. By setting aside protected time for intimacy, we keep things broad and flexible.
We have the creative permission to arrive at Friday and say to our sweeties, “okay, what sort of intimacy and connection would feel awesome right now?”
Because there is no one right answer. Sex and intimacy are a wide world of activities. It's all about figuring out what feels good to you in your life and relationships.
For those of us who are like, "Okay, I'll try it. But how to I keep from making it a 'should'?" I'm so glad you asked!
Here are some tips for the "how" of scheduling sex, play, or intimacy into your week:
Know your "why." What are you seeking with this activity? Do you really want some intentional and un-interrupted connection time with your sweetie(s)? Do you want to build more silliness and play into your week? Do you feel pressured to have sex more?*
*If the "why" is pressure, then perhaps some conversation around the pressure you're feeling is crucial here before any sexy times occur. Pressure is often the enemy of pleasure and communication and boundaries might be needed! More on that in a future blog post.
Be flexible about what falls under your "sex" or intimacy category. For those of us in the "oh god, this feels like a 'should'!" camp, this step really retains the creativity and autonomy we might seek. What an intimacy date means can be up to y'all-- a massage, a bubble bath together, naked snuggling, making a pillow fort and talking about your day. The real aim here is to increase the connection between y'all in the midst of a busy life.
Actually schedule it. On your calendar. Writing it down will make it less likely to fall through the cracks or get pushed off to later. Make a calendar invite, a literal handwritten invitation, a passed note over dinner! Whatever it is, make a known agreement to prioritize that little chunk of time together away from life’s to-dos.
That said, you can always change your mind or reschedule! Consent, stress, life, and all of its complicated wonder show up here. Give those things some space to inform the plan.
Let that anticipation build! Y'all already read my monologue on this one above.
Workshop it! Notice what's working about this approach, what isn't, and grant yourself the self-compassion to try something else. Be gentle with yourselves, get creative, and hey— have fun! As Emily Nagoski says, Pleasure is the Measure.
In an effort to support us in prioritizing the play, fun, and intimacy we seek, I've created THE cutest weekly planner for us.
Click the button above and you'll get a fillable PDF to complete as you begin your week. Because, let's be honest-- even if you have a printer, it's probably out of ink and in your closet.
